The Cuppa Joe Grinders

It started bad and ended worse.
A 4-1 Loss was a likely curse.
Start the game with an empty net.
A sure way to lose, any man’s bet.
The Toques go up by a single point
Before our keeper is in the joint.
Now Tim’s arrived we have some hope
But Grinder’s goals came from just one dope.
Who’da thunk Trainor would be the son
of a bitch to tie it up one-one.
After that it was all down hill
a short bench and no will
or desire to dig deeper
except for the man that they call Geiber
he put in a solid game
each shift his position was not the same
But was not enough to stop the other
team from grabbing the puck not covered
and scoring two before we let
them get another on an empty net
That would end the 4-1 Game
3 days before St Patty’s day.

St Patty's Patties

Once upon a time there was a boy named Sydney. All the other boys made fun of Sydney because his named sounded so queer. But Sydney paid no nevermind and went about his way, doing his own thing, in his own way. One day, Sydney became very rich and put together a hockey team and called it the Sydney Millionaires.

All the other teams made fun of the Sydneys because the name sounded so queer. One day, The Grinders played a game against the Sydneys and took a 2-0 lead going into the third. But the Sydneys paid no nevermind and went about their way, doing their own thing, in their own way, and won the game 3-2. They became rich with joy.

The Grinders got mad. Mostly at themselves, although they would never admit it because thats not the way macho hockey players think. They want to take their frustration out on someone else, blame others, and make them suffer. It’s cool to be that way if you are a hockey player. It gets you excited for the game ahead.

Tonight the Grinders play the Sydneys again and want retribution. Thats a big word that means they want to get even, although the Sydneys did nothing wrong. But thats okay because this is sport.

Sport is about doing better than the other guys, and beating them, and winning, and making the losers feel bad about their loss, and getting more goals and points than your team mates to win the scoring title, and drinking more beer after the game than anyone else, and telling your family you scored yet another goal to extend your scoring streak even though you didn’t because you know they will never check and you need them to believe that you can at least succeed at SOMETHING in your lifetime so you can feel like the big man around the house.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m getting the feeling that ice times are becoming an issue. So before anybody gets too worked up about it, let’s address it here.

Oh, and if you’re wondering about the 3 -stars for “That Game”, well, there won’t be any further acknowledgement of “That Game” from this moment forward. I’ve stricken it from Grinder record and as of now it officially doesn’t exist and never happened.

As for the length of shifts? Since we all operate at different levels of cognitive ability and perceive our place in the world through different coloured glasses, I’ve given 4 different reasons why our shift changes should be down to less than a minute; Sexual, Observational, Statistical, and Economical

Sexual
Shift lengths. Ever since we were little boys we’ve been told “length matters.” Boys, start listeneing to Dr. Ruth, it’s girth that counts, and you can say the same thing about hockey too. If you go out there and have a big phat shift full of hustle and energy, great positioning, causing turn-overs and setting up chances in 45 seconds, it’s way more satisfying to all involved than 120 seconds of hesitation, watching and waiting for “just one more” opportunity to get deep.

Observational
You may recall an article about a year ago entitled 13 Signs It’s Time for a Shift Change. No? Too lazy to click the link? OK, here’s some of my favourites:
#3: “But I’m not tired” Then you didn’t skate hard enough, so Change so that someone who is going to hustle gets a chance to play.

#9: “But I thought I could get the puck and have a chance on goal.” No, you are too damn tired from playing positional and aggressive defense to skate faster than them. They will get the puck, control it, move it into our zone and you will be trapped again for another minute, lungs and legs burning and completely useless, simply hoping they don’t score: So Change

#12: “But I’m not tired.” Good! Before you get tired, and before you make mistakes because you are tired: Change.

#14: Thou shalt not covet thy team-mates’ ice-time.

Yes that was 14 of 13 and I invented solely for the purpose of using this image.

Statistical
But why listen to me? Lets look at some stats from the current NHL season. Take the Vancouver Canucks for example. Over the first 11 games of their season their top forwards, M. Naslund, H. Sedin, and D. Sedin have averaged 19.06, 18.27 and 18.05 minutes of ice time per game respectively.

M. Naslund averages 24.9 shifts per game. H. Sedin 23.8 shifts. D. Sedin 23.6 shifts. I had someone do the math for me and apparently this equates to each player having an average shift length of 45 seconds.

Now correct me if I’m wrong, but I gotta hunch that these guys are in a (say it with a Scottish Accent) weeeeeee better physical condition than your average Cuppa Joe Grinder. (Back to normal voice) So why do they take such wimpy shifts? Because they are more effective! You can play a more consistent game and give a complete effort every time without fading at the end.

Economical
Naslund is getting 25 shifts per every 60 minute game. We play 40 minute games, so lets prorate that. That would be equal to 16.64 shifts in one of our games, or at 45 seconds: 12.48 minutes of ice time; an entire period on the ice, which makes sense if we have our full three lines show up (Reg and Frank).

But at Grinder shift lengths of 90 seconds, with three full lines (Reg and Frank), thats only 6.24 shifts per game.

You pay $687 to play. 6.24 shifts times 35 games = 218.4 shifts at $3.15 per shift.

Lower your cost per shift by taking shorter shifts. Half the shift length = half the cost/shift. You too can pay $1.57 per shift by taking 45-second shifts.

In the season’s first battle for 5th place it’s the highly anticipated, the hotly touted, the grandiose event of the season; Grinders vs Cougars on on Monday, October 16th at 9:30 pm. The game takes place on Red A. The first of 7 games in a row on the “good” side.

Hey, I’d like to see you try to pump up this contest. There’s not much to go on, okay.

Ahh yes, Kitten, it was hell.
A 2-0 lead squandered against the Sydney Millionaires.
Punish me, I’ve been a bad boy.

Burnaby, 8-Rinks – Grinders vs Sydney Millionaires by Gony Tallagher

It’s not like you really had a chance.

Take a look at your forwards: Trainor, Leng, Teigen, Williams, Gabriel, Schoffer: Shoe-ins for the Turtle Race if ever I saw any! These names don’t exactly give you goosebumps or send a shiver of excitement up your spine do they? Oooo, well maybe if you had Clarke in the line-up it would have been different. Trainor, legs of lead and staying out of the fray like he was afraid to repeat the penalties he received last game only had one shot on net. And that shot came at a time when he should have passed it to Williams wide open in front. Christ, the Millionaire’s goalie only had to come up big once, off the back-hander from Nickason.

So you got up by two goals thanks to the remaining two forwards; Geib and Schmidt. Geib, as always was a factor out there and buried his chance on a breakaway, and Schmidt surprised the goalie with a wrap-around. (By the way, he wasn’t the only person surprised by a wrap-around that night, but let’s stick to hockey and talk no more about shampoo bottles. The rest of the time, the shots were few and far between, non-threatening and mostly from the outside or from the point. There wasn’t the rebound potential out there like you saw against the Shockers so the point shots, if they got through, were of limited use.

You Grinders had 26 shots on goal. Normally this wouldn’t be too bad, but the Millionaires had 8 minutes in penalties and defended a couple of 5-3s, all in the first two periods. That goalie should have been peppered.

Then, the defining moment: the Millionaires stayed out of the box and the Grinders decided to play team defense.

Team defense. Okay, half of you guys still can’t skate backwards. You still check someone with a wave of your stick as you skate by, your positioning is atrocious, and you collapse all five guys in front of your net effectively screening your goalie from the point shot that will inevitably occur. Good plan, that team defense.

Why the hell don’t you stick with what works? Pressure hard in the neutral zone and always, always, always have a guy forcing their puck-carrier no matter where he is. Forward pressure so the other team makes a mistake is what works for you guys. You have to rely on their mistakes. Why? Remember the list of forwards that I started out with? Add to those names the powerful flutter-by shot of “Alice” Bradley, the agility of Houghton, and the Lady-Bing performance of Santa. If this guy doesn’t take a penalty, his head isn’t in the game.

Feel good about being in this game. Feel good about the 2-0 lead over 2.5 periods. Don’t lament the two tie-ing goals in the third or the OT goal that finished it for ya. It was bound to happen. Your goalie can only take you so far. Geoff “Goats” Gauthier had a stellar performance and he had better show up on the three stars graphic – if the webmaster ever gets his act together) for both previous games or else. But you can’t rely on “The Glove” to save your ass every game.

The Grinders have now dropped into a 5th place tie with The Cougars, whom you face Monday, October 16th at 9:30pm. Skate hard all game, maintain forward pressure and don’t rely so much on your Stopper and 5th place may solely be yours – oooowhee.