All the other teams made fun of the Sydneys because the name sounded so queer. One day, The Grinders played a game against the Sydneys and took a 2-0 lead going into the third. But the Sydneys paid no nevermind and went about their way, doing their own thing, in their own way, and won the game 3-2. They became rich with joy.

The Grinders got mad. Mostly at themselves, although they would never admit it because thats not the way macho hockey players think. They want to take their frustration out on someone else, blame others, and make them suffer. It’s cool to be that way if you are a hockey player. It gets you excited for the game ahead.

Tonight the Grinders play the Sydneys again and want retribution. Thats a big word that means they want to get even, although the Sydneys did nothing wrong. But thats okay because this is sport.

Sport is about doing better than the other guys, and beating them, and winning, and making the losers feel bad about their loss, and getting more goals and points than your team mates to win the scoring title, and drinking more beer after the game than anyone else, and telling your family you scored yet another goal to extend your scoring streak even though you didn’t because you know they will never check and you need them to believe that you can at least succeed at SOMETHING in your lifetime so you can feel like the big man around the house.

Oh, and if you’re wondering about the 3 -stars for “That Game”, well, there won’t be any further acknowledgement of “That Game” from this moment forward. I’ve stricken it from Grinder record and as of now it officially doesn’t exist and never happened.

As for the length of shifts? Since we all operate at different levels of cognitive ability and perceive our place in the world through different coloured glasses, I’ve given 4 different reasons why our shift changes should be down to less than a minute; Sexual, Observational, Statistical, and Economical

Sexual
Shift lengths. Ever since we were little boys we’ve been told “length matters.” Boys, start listeneing to Dr. Ruth, it’s girth that counts, and you can say the same thing about hockey too. If you go out there and have a big phat shift full of hustle and energy, great positioning, causing turn-overs and setting up chances in 45 seconds, it’s way more satisfying to all involved than 120 seconds of hesitation, watching and waiting for “just one more” opportunity to get deep.

Observational
You may recall an article about a year ago entitled 13 Signs It’s Time for a Shift Change. No? Too lazy to click the link? OK, here’s some of my favourites:
#3: “But I’m not tired” Then you didn’t skate hard enough, so Change so that someone who is going to hustle gets a chance to play.

#9: “But I thought I could get the puck and have a chance on goal.” No, you are too damn tired from playing positional and aggressive defense to skate faster than them. They will get the puck, control it, move it into our zone and you will be trapped again for another minute, lungs and legs burning and completely useless, simply hoping they don’t score: So Change

#12: “But I’m not tired.” Good! Before you get tired, and before you make mistakes because you are tired: Change.

#14: Thou shalt not covet thy team-mates’ ice-time.

Yes that was 14 of 13 and I invented solely for the purpose of using this image.

Statistical
But why listen to me? Lets look at some stats from the current NHL season. Take the Vancouver Canucks for example. Over the first 11 games of their season their top forwards, M. Naslund, H. Sedin, and D. Sedin have averaged 19.06, 18.27 and 18.05 minutes of ice time per game respectively.

M. Naslund averages 24.9 shifts per game. H. Sedin 23.8 shifts. D. Sedin 23.6 shifts. I had someone do the math for me and apparently this equates to each player having an average shift length of 45 seconds.

Now correct me if I’m wrong, but I gotta hunch that these guys are in a (say it with a Scottish Accent) weeeeeee better physical condition than your average Cuppa Joe Grinder. (Back to normal voice) So why do they take such wimpy shifts? Because they are more effective! You can play a more consistent game and give a complete effort every time without fading at the end.

Economical
Naslund is getting 25 shifts per every 60 minute game. We play 40 minute games, so lets prorate that. That would be equal to 16.64 shifts in one of our games, or at 45 seconds: 12.48 minutes of ice time; an entire period on the ice, which makes sense if we have our full three lines show up (Reg and Frank).

But at Grinder shift lengths of 90 seconds, with three full lines (Reg and Frank), thats only 6.24 shifts per game.

You pay $687 to play. 6.24 shifts times 35 games = 218.4 shifts at $3.15 per shift.

Lower your cost per shift by taking shorter shifts. Half the shift length = half the cost/shift. You too can pay $1.57 per shift by taking 45-second shifts.

Hey, I’d like to see you try to pump up this contest. There’s not much to go on, okay.

It’s not like you really had a chance.

Take a look at your forwards: Trainor, Leng, Teigen, Williams, Gabriel, Schoffer: Shoe-ins for the Turtle Race if ever I saw any! These names don’t exactly give you goosebumps or send a shiver of excitement up your spine do they? Oooo, well maybe if you had Clarke in the line-up it would have been different. Trainor, legs of lead and staying out of the fray like he was afraid to repeat the penalties he received last game only had one shot on net. And that shot came at a time when he should have passed it to Williams wide open in front. Christ, the Millionaire’s goalie only had to come up big once, off the back-hander from Nickason.

So you got up by two goals thanks to the remaining two forwards; Geib and Schmidt. Geib, as always was a factor out there and buried his chance on a breakaway, and Schmidt surprised the goalie with a wrap-around. (By the way, he wasn’t the only person surprised by a wrap-around that night, but let’s stick to hockey and talk no more about shampoo bottles. The rest of the time, the shots were few and far between, non-threatening and mostly from the outside or from the point. There wasn’t the rebound potential out there like you saw against the Shockers so the point shots, if they got through, were of limited use.

You Grinders had 26 shots on goal. Normally this wouldn’t be too bad, but the Millionaires had 8 minutes in penalties and defended a couple of 5-3s, all in the first two periods. That goalie should have been peppered.

Then, the defining moment: the Millionaires stayed out of the box and the Grinders decided to play team defense.

Team defense. Okay, half of you guys still can’t skate backwards. You still check someone with a wave of your stick as you skate by, your positioning is atrocious, and you collapse all five guys in front of your net effectively screening your goalie from the point shot that will inevitably occur. Good plan, that team defense.

Why the hell don’t you stick with what works? Pressure hard in the neutral zone and always, always, always have a guy forcing their puck-carrier no matter where he is. Forward pressure so the other team makes a mistake is what works for you guys. You have to rely on their mistakes. Why? Remember the list of forwards that I started out with? Add to those names the powerful flutter-by shot of “Alice” Bradley, the agility of Houghton, and the Lady-Bing performance of Santa. If this guy doesn’t take a penalty, his head isn’t in the game.

Feel good about being in this game. Feel good about the 2-0 lead over 2.5 periods. Don’t lament the two tie-ing goals in the third or the OT goal that finished it for ya. It was bound to happen. Your goalie can only take you so far. Geoff “Goats” Gauthier had a stellar performance and he had better show up on the three stars graphic – if the webmaster ever gets his act together) for both previous games or else. But you can’t rely on “The Glove” to save your ass every game.

The Grinders have now dropped into a 5th place tie with The Cougars, whom you face Monday, October 16th at 9:30pm. Skate hard all game, maintain forward pressure and don’t rely so much on your Stopper and 5th place may solely be yours – oooowhee.

Even with the absences of these top performers, and Heavy G, the Grinders have had Brother Triggs and Mountain Bike Mitchelson as healthy scratches. So, who has been producing? Cuppa Joe Gord has been maintaining his 1.58 point per game average and has been getting help from players having career stats: Shrek, Santa, Troy, and Tanchak are all regular contributors. This means diminished hopes for those playing for the Aramark Brewers at Planet Ice who wish to crack the superior Cuppa Joe line-up.

Lester, brother of Cuppa Joe Gord, has to be one of the top prospects. Although waning in talent mostly because of “lacrosse-hands”, Lester plays with heart and determination.  But to make the Grinders line-up he must first accept the fact that he is indeed losing his hair. Comb-Overs are simply not allowed on the team.  Secondly, he has to shake the fragile image of a player that needs the “second scrape” in order to play at peak levels for an entire game.

Uncle Fatty, aka Bob’s Brother, has shown some past promise. His attitude toward the game and his demeanor on and off the ice suit the Grinders line-up perfectly.  But he has never shown the commitment and often uses such excuses as, “tired”, “watching football”, and “drunk” as reasons for not making any call-ups for spare. Now, perhaps, there may be some incentive for Uncle Fatty to make an appearance, as his arch-nemesis Tosh has secured a spot on the regular squad. Insiders feel that this may be the kick-in-the-pants that Uncle needs, i.e. an opportunity to show up his long time rival.

With the best Save Percentage and Goals Against Average in the division, Mats Hansen is making it very difficult for Pretty Boy Kuznak to make an appearance. Kuznak is a fan favourite because of both his on and off-ice escapades.  On the ice he is often a stellar keeper of the net and enjoys putting on a show. Off the ice he is often the life of the party and enjoys putting on a show. But with the large gaps in the schedule, Mats is getting plenty of rest between games and shows no sign of wavering or unexplained absences that have plagued him in the past.  Finally learning to play through the pain, Mats is having a career season.

Overseas draft picks are still developing and once they come to their senses and move closer to Greater Vancouver may have a positive impact on the team. These include: Monty (last reported cycling through Great Britain, Europe and the Middle East) playing in Taiwan (although he may be in too good of shape to play on the Grinders and might have to sign a clause stating he promises to digest shrooms or have an acid flashback prior to each game), Blonde Kid (aka Guy’s Brother) is playing on the natural ice surface outdoors in the Peg currently delusional and insisting he enjoys living there, Ted will return to the Greater Vancouver area eventually to promote his cover-band and ride his youngest brother’s coat-tails to stardom.

A further hindrance to the future of the farm team members is contract holdout, defenseman Mr. Safeway. General speculation has it that the Grinders are somewhat below his level of play, but they will continue to seek his services in the future trying to explain that it’s not how much talent behind the stick that matters, but how much fun you have playing with your stick is what counts.

It was great to see the hard work and intensity required to not only win, but to be competitive and have fun. Checking in the offensive zone was predominant on Monday night by the forwards. This played an integral part in the 25 to 19 advantage in shots on goal. The intensity seemed to come naturally as demonstrated by Guy who fell into a 5 -minute penalty for body checking. But the game was ultimately controlled by the Grinders defense.

The Know Stars had difficulty controlling the puck over the Grinders’ blue line. Numerous plays were being broken up before any offensive pressure could be accumulated. And once they did get in, the breakout plays by the Grinders were actually working. Sometimes even with a pass.  And on those familiar occasions when the only target the d-men had was the wingers’ ass, they were able to create room and skate the puck out.

The stand-out play of the game was provided by the defense during a short-handed situation. The smooth and effortless way that Stealth Santa maneuvered the puck up ice through the opposing team was a sight to behold.  And when he lost the puck on the offensive blue line, the poise and calm he showed to sweep behind the defender to regain possession was a lesson in the wonders of confidence. After seeing Santa split the defense and get a shot on goal it’s no wonder that Mats is buying him underwear.

The forward line almost matched this effort with a display of unselfishness described by their humble leader as “I was great.”  In fact it was a great play by Gordie, who held the goalie to the side expecting to see a backhanded shot, but instead, presented a soft, feathery, flat, GPS guided, nicely weighted, puck-had-eyes-and-a-map, tape-to-tape pass. “It was perfect” said Gord.  The puck was laid out to Jason with nothing-but-net in front of him. Jason missed. As he did the previous game. In fact that one was a beautiful setup by Gordie as well. He’ll tell you so.

After the first attempt, Jason must have been thinking, “&*%K, I hope he passes to me again.”  After the second he must have thought, “&*%K, he might not pass to me again.” Later in the game with Gordie controlling the puck in the offensive zone, covered by two men, Jason wide open in front, Gordie decides to make a move and scores a goal. Jason was thinking, “Phew.”

But no worries for Jay or Gord, who understand that this web page emulates the Grinders attitude on ice. Play hard and expect a few cheap shots but remember its all in good fun. Jason can also comfort himself in knowing that he had a strong hard fought game and ended up with a point anyway. After all he does control the stats page.

All is right again within the Grinders camp. Almost. If we can only figure out why Frank doesn’t stick around for post-game beers anymore.

Constantly glancing down the other end of the rink during warm-up in hopes of seeing players on the other team that skated and shot as poorly as you did. Getting down by a four goal deficit and secretly hoping that it increases to five so that they let the clock run in the third period to end this misery. Ahhh yes, I remember it well.

Stepping out onto the ice for your shift with your legs feeling like lead, and your mind filled with dread. Hoping, just hoping that your line doesn’t get scored on this shift.  Wondering what it would be like to get a shot on goal, yourself. Ahh yes, I remember it well.

Thinking you’ll set an example for the team on how to work and skate hard except but you just didn’t get the opportunity during your shift.  And you were out there for 2 minutes. Ahhh yes, I remember it well.

Hearing voices in your head screaming, “Point!, Point! Who’s got the Point? The Point! The Point! Who’s on the Point?! The Point! Point! Point! Point! Point!” Hoping the other team can’t hear it or else they’ll realize their point-men are open and feed them the puck for a wide-open shot on net. Ahhh yes, I remember it well.

The bickering on the bench. The yapping at the ref. Screaming at your own players to calm down. Whining about the calls. Ahh yes, I remember it well.

Forgetting that your team-mates are as out of shape, unskilled and downtrodden as you, until you step on the ice and find yourself out of position and trying to get back to your end as fast as you can, but your legs just won’t go, and suddenly wishing on the previous shift you hadn’t been hollering at your team-mate to Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!  Ahhhhh yes. I remember it well.

In fact it seems just like yesterday.

They don’t know what it’s like being someone like me, Green-B at 8-Rinks. Last rink in the far corner on the old side of the building. The rink nobody wants to play on. I can hear the groans of disappointment from here when players read off the white-board that their playing on %*&#ty Green-B. Even the bad side of the pub faces my direction. Lest they forget.

For years I was there for all the kids. I was ready for the 4am practices. I stayed up late for the old-timers. I’ve hosted tournaments and play-offs when any other rink would crack under the pressure. I stayed cold and hard throughout every summer so they could practice and get better. Many a youngster practiced hard on me trying to fulfill their dreams of making it in the NHL. Cliff Ronning, Joe Sakic, Cam Neely. They all honed their skills on my back, and where are they now? In the lap of luxury probably laughing at ol’ Green B. How the ice had a 2 percent slope and if you laid out a soft pass down the centre how it would drift to the corner. Laughing and joking about how if you stood at one end of the rink you couldn’t see the skates of the players at the other end. Well I’m sick of it man! And if Agent Bradley tells that story about the sub-floor one more time I’m gonna crack open and swallow him up. Its in the past okay! Leave it alone, gimme a chance!

But guess what guys, I’m still here. Putting in 20 hours a day for beer-leaguers and what do I get? Laughed at. Ridiculed. Taken for granted. Its been a hard knock life but at least I’m not spoiled like GM Place who gets pampered and preened daily and complains if there was a concert the night before a game. It’s probably in his contract to get flooded with Evian every night. Its rinks like GM Place and teams like the Grinders who don’t know how good they got it.

I bet the Grinders never had a losing season. I mean, how could they? Look at their lineup. From crease to crease they’re solid. The goalie was stellar, the defense allowed less than 18 shots on net, the forwards were confident and poised. And that one guy, 13, with a goal and an assist, it was probably an off-night for him. You can tell just by looking at these guys that the only reason they’re in this league is it to prove once again that they’re better than someone else. All those advertisers clambering to get their name the jersey. Cuppa Joe Coffee, Associated Labels, Revs. Revs is probably some trendy upper-class lounge that serves slush-tinis and Cuban cigars to dot com millionaires. I wonder how much they pay to have their logo on there year after year?

Well you don’t see any big name advertisements on my boards do you? No. Because I’m not in this for the glory, like THEM. I do it for the love of the game. Something teams like the Grinders just wouldn’t understand.