The Cuppa Joe Grinders

It’s a weird feeling being both giddy and scared at the same time. I can’t wait to play the first game, but then again I might die of heart failure. I’ve got a lot of pent up energy to expel, but then again I might break a leg. I want to score a goal, but I can’t even receive a pass.  I want to see my team mates again, but will they make fun of my shaved balls? The first game of the season is a delicate balance of anticipation and anxiety. On Friday, September 8, at 9:45pm we face our worst fears and welcome the experience. The ironic thing is that for this game it doesn’t matter who the opponent is. This game is all about us. You, me, The Grinders.

Grinders’ recent string of wins means that player hopefuls in their farm team, The Aramark Brewers, will have less of a chance making any sort of appearance. What’s encouraging, or downright surprising, is how the Grinders are getting these wins.  Their success is coming without key players in the line-up such as; Heavy G who hasn’t seen the ice since Nov 16th (suspended for 2 games, then a surprise no-show on moving-day), Padre Williams also a no-show since November 16th, and Triggsy who has been out with injury and lame excuses for the past two months.

Even with the absences of these top performers, and Heavy G, the Grinders have had Brother Triggs and Mountain Bike Mitchelson as healthy scratches. So, who has been producing? Cuppa Joe Gord has been maintaining his 1.58 point per game average and has been getting help from players having career stats: Shrek, Santa, Troy, and Tanchak are all regular contributors. This means diminished hopes for those playing for the Aramark Brewers at Planet Ice who wish to crack the superior Cuppa Joe line-up.

Lester, brother of Cuppa Joe Gord, has to be one of the top prospects. Although waning in talent mostly because of “lacrosse-hands”, Lester plays with heart and determination.  But to make the Grinders line-up he must first accept the fact that he is indeed losing his hair. Comb-Overs are simply not allowed on the team.  Secondly, he has to shake the fragile image of a player that needs the “second scrape” in order to play at peak levels for an entire game.

Uncle Fatty, aka Bob’s Brother, has shown some past promise. His attitude toward the game and his demeanor on and off the ice suit the Grinders line-up perfectly.  But he has never shown the commitment and often uses such excuses as, “tired”, “watching football”, and “drunk” as reasons for not making any call-ups for spare. Now, perhaps, there may be some incentive for Uncle Fatty to make an appearance, as his arch-nemesis Tosh has secured a spot on the regular squad. Insiders feel that this may be the kick-in-the-pants that Uncle needs, i.e. an opportunity to show up his long time rival.

With the best Save Percentage and Goals Against Average in the division, Mats Hansen is making it very difficult for Pretty Boy Kuznak to make an appearance. Kuznak is a fan favourite because of both his on and off-ice escapades.  On the ice he is often a stellar keeper of the net and enjoys putting on a show. Off the ice he is often the life of the party and enjoys putting on a show. But with the large gaps in the schedule, Mats is getting plenty of rest between games and shows no sign of wavering or unexplained absences that have plagued him in the past.  Finally learning to play through the pain, Mats is having a career season.

Overseas draft picks are still developing and once they come to their senses and move closer to Greater Vancouver may have a positive impact on the team. These include: Monty (last reported cycling through Great Britain, Europe and the Middle East) playing in Taiwan (although he may be in too good of shape to play on the Grinders and might have to sign a clause stating he promises to digest shrooms or have an acid flashback prior to each game), Blonde Kid (aka Guy’s Brother) is playing on the natural ice surface outdoors in the Peg currently delusional and insisting he enjoys living there, Ted will return to the Greater Vancouver area eventually to promote his cover-band and ride his youngest brother’s coat-tails to stardom.

A further hindrance to the future of the farm team members is contract holdout, defenseman Mr. Safeway. General speculation has it that the Grinders are somewhat below his level of play, but they will continue to seek his services in the future trying to explain that it’s not how much talent behind the stick that matters, but how much fun you have playing with your stick is what counts.

After that disconcerting effort on Halloween night which we can now hopefully attribute to hitting a sugar low after scarfing their children’s candy all night long, the Grinders showed an underlying spark within their 2-1 win on Monday night which hasn’t been there over the past couple of weeks. All is right again in the Grinders camp.

It was great to see the hard work and intensity required to not only win, but to be competitive and have fun. Checking in the offensive zone was predominant on Monday night by the forwards. This played an integral part in the 25 to 19 advantage in shots on goal. The intensity seemed to come naturally as demonstrated by Guy who fell into a 5 -minute penalty for body checking. But the game was ultimately controlled by the Grinders defense.

The Know Stars had difficulty controlling the puck over the Grinders’ blue line. Numerous plays were being broken up before any offensive pressure could be accumulated. And once they did get in, the breakout plays by the Grinders were actually working. Sometimes even with a pass.  And on those familiar occasions when the only target the d-men had was the wingers’ ass, they were able to create room and skate the puck out.

The stand-out play of the game was provided by the defense during a short-handed situation. The smooth and effortless way that Stealth Santa maneuvered the puck up ice through the opposing team was a sight to behold.  And when he lost the puck on the offensive blue line, the poise and calm he showed to sweep behind the defender to regain possession was a lesson in the wonders of confidence. After seeing Santa split the defense and get a shot on goal it’s no wonder that Mats is buying him underwear.

The forward line almost matched this effort with a display of unselfishness described by their humble leader as “I was great.”  In fact it was a great play by Gordie, who held the goalie to the side expecting to see a backhanded shot, but instead, presented a soft, feathery, flat, GPS guided, nicely weighted, puck-had-eyes-and-a-map, tape-to-tape pass. “It was perfect” said Gord.  The puck was laid out to Jason with nothing-but-net in front of him. Jason missed. As he did the previous game. In fact that one was a beautiful setup by Gordie as well. He’ll tell you so.

After the first attempt, Jason must have been thinking, “&*%K, I hope he passes to me again.”  After the second he must have thought, “&*%K, he might not pass to me again.” Later in the game with Gordie controlling the puck in the offensive zone, covered by two men, Jason wide open in front, Gordie decides to make a move and scores a goal. Jason was thinking, “Phew.”

But no worries for Jay or Gord, who understand that this web page emulates the Grinders attitude on ice. Play hard and expect a few cheap shots but remember its all in good fun. Jason can also comfort himself in knowing that he had a strong hard fought game and ended up with a point anyway. After all he does control the stats page.

All is right again within the Grinders camp. Almost. If we can only figure out why Frank doesn’t stick around for post-game beers anymore.

Remember the Good Ol’ Days?

Constantly glancing down the other end of the rink during warm-up in hopes of seeing players on the other team that skated and shot as poorly as you did. Getting down by a four goal deficit and secretly hoping that it increases to five so that they let the clock run in the third period to end this misery. Ahhh yes, I remember it well.

Stepping out onto the ice for your shift with your legs feeling like lead, and your mind filled with dread. Hoping, just hoping that your line doesn’t get scored on this shift.  Wondering what it would be like to get a shot on goal, yourself. Ahh yes, I remember it well.

Thinking you’ll set an example for the team on how to work and skate hard except but you just didn’t get the opportunity during your shift.  And you were out there for 2 minutes. Ahhh yes, I remember it well.

Hearing voices in your head screaming, “Point!, Point! Who’s got the Point? The Point! The Point! Who’s on the Point?! The Point! Point! Point! Point! Point!” Hoping the other team can’t hear it or else they’ll realize their point-men are open and feed them the puck for a wide-open shot on net. Ahhh yes, I remember it well.

The bickering on the bench. The yapping at the ref. Screaming at your own players to calm down. Whining about the calls. Ahh yes, I remember it well.

Forgetting that your team-mates are as out of shape, unskilled and downtrodden as you, until you step on the ice and find yourself out of position and trying to get back to your end as fast as you can, but your legs just won’t go, and suddenly wishing on the previous shift you hadn’t been hollering at your team-mate to Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!  Ahhhhh yes. I remember it well.

In fact it seems just like yesterday.

BURNABY (Green B) — I hate teams like that. Arrive at the rink in classy uniforms. Looking cocky and sure. No stress during pre-game warm-up. Skating around in good spirits, chatting and laughing amongst themselves like they’ve got not a care a world. OLA Knowstars never had a chance. I hate teams like the Grinders. Come in and win 6-2. They don’t know what hard times is.

They don’t know what it’s like being someone like me, Green-B at 8-Rinks. Last rink in the far corner on the old side of the building. The rink nobody wants to play on. I can hear the groans of disappointment from here when players read off the white-board that their playing on %*&#ty Green-B. Even the bad side of the pub faces my direction. Lest they forget.

For years I was there for all the kids. I was ready for the 4am practices. I stayed up late for the old-timers. I’ve hosted tournaments and play-offs when any other rink would crack under the pressure. I stayed cold and hard throughout every summer so they could practice and get better. Many a youngster practiced hard on me trying to fulfill their dreams of making it in the NHL. Cliff Ronning, Joe Sakic, Cam Neely. They all honed their skills on my back, and where are they now? In the lap of luxury probably laughing at ol’ Green B. How the ice had a 2 percent slope and if you laid out a soft pass down the centre how it would drift to the corner. Laughing and joking about how if you stood at one end of the rink you couldn’t see the skates of the players at the other end. Well I’m sick of it man! And if Agent Bradley tells that story about the sub-floor one more time I’m gonna crack open and swallow him up. Its in the past okay! Leave it alone, gimme a chance!

But guess what guys, I’m still here. Putting in 20 hours a day for beer-leaguers and what do I get? Laughed at. Ridiculed. Taken for granted. Its been a hard knock life but at least I’m not spoiled like GM Place who gets pampered and preened daily and complains if there was a concert the night before a game. It’s probably in his contract to get flooded with Evian every night. Its rinks like GM Place and teams like the Grinders who don’t know how good they got it.

I bet the Grinders never had a losing season. I mean, how could they? Look at their lineup. From crease to crease they’re solid. The goalie was stellar, the defense allowed less than 18 shots on net, the forwards were confident and poised. And that one guy, 13, with a goal and an assist, it was probably an off-night for him. You can tell just by looking at these guys that the only reason they’re in this league is it to prove once again that they’re better than someone else. All those advertisers clambering to get their name the jersey. Cuppa Joe Coffee, Associated Labels, Revs. Revs is probably some trendy upper-class lounge that serves slush-tinis and Cuban cigars to dot com millionaires. I wonder how much they pay to have their logo on there year after year?

Well you don’t see any big name advertisements on my boards do you? No. Because I’m not in this for the glory, like THEM. I do it for the love of the game. Something teams like the Grinders just wouldn’t understand.

BURNABY (Gony Tallagher) — The world governing body of beer league hockey is going to hold an inquiry into the reffing of the Division 10 Grinders vs. Ghosts event after Troy Houghton and Rob Mitchellson seemingly skated the performance of their lives Monday night but only one of them was awarded a bottle of Tequila.

The International Hockey Union said Tuesday it had called for an internal inquiry because of the reaction of the crowd and the public reaction following the game.

The Grinders Message board has been no exception to the disgust and outrage expressed by Canadians and others around the world. Mike Meyers of Toronto, Ontario writes “Its crap! Absolute crap!”

So sure was Troy Houghton that he had aced the 60 minute program — he skated while humming music from the Love Story movie — that Houghton fell to his knees afterwards to kiss the ice. So overwhelmed with emotion was he, that he needed assistance to leave the ice surface.

The group of players required to carry Troy to the dressing room left the Grinders short on the bench, luckily it was two top performers: Glen Trainor and Reg Gabriel. The capacity crowd of 6 gave the team the only standing ovation of the night, showered flowers onto the ice, and began chanting “Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!”

“Houghton and Mitchellson stopped time with their performance. They are everything that epitomizes ice hockey,” wrote Karen in Victoria. “I feel very sorry for the SCI Ghosts, as they went home with a win they didn’t earn.”When the goal was announced, the fans began to boo as it became clear that Grinders would once again fail to win. It was clear that both posts were off. Grinders had not won since 1960, in Squaw Valley, when Barbara Wagner and Robert Paul took MVP.

“How could it be possible to have so many blind Refs in one league?” wrote Betty Darville of St. Bruno, Quebec.

Thinh Thang, a student in Calgrary wrote: “I am truly disappointed in the rudges.”

Reaction to the game even came as far away as Salt Lake City. David Pelletier, Canadian Olympic Figure Skater told NBC’s Today show this morning that he felt like he’d been punched in the stomach after hearing the score of the Grinders game.. But one thing is for sure, no matter where the Grinders placed in the league, Canadians see it differently.

“They may have had a silver place finish, but in the hearts of all Canadians they are gold Cuervo,” wrote Toni LeBlanc in Sarnia.